Tonight I pray

Tonight I pray for him and me,
and all I wish for us to be.
That we can walk side by side,
on golden paths of glowing pride.

Tonight I pray for his loving arms,
that hold and shield me from all harm.
He lifts me up when I am weak,
and as tears fall down he wipes my cheek.

Tonight I pray this bond is broken,
and into my ear his words are spoken.
Without his love I won't survive,
so I sit, and ponder, and eagerly strive.

Tonight I pray to see his face,
for my soul to feel his burning grace.
To see his eyes as they truly are,
and gaze with him at skies of stars.

This man I seek is like no other.
He was born unto a virgin mother.
See it is not, now, my past I crave,
but God's righteous hands to come and save.

Hate is a strong word but...

I hate you.
I hate you for everything you did to me.
I hate you for the person you made me become.
I hate you for all the lying.
I hate you for all the cheating.
I hate you for all the meaningless 'I love you's'.
I hate you for all the 'I love you's' you said to someone else.
I hate you for tearing me apart from my family.
I hate you for getting me involved with drugs.
I hate you for making me see the scars on my wrists and remember the pain.
I hate you for making me doubt myself.
I hate you for all the bad times that tore my heart apart.
I hate you for all the great times that made me miss you more.
I hate you for making me fall in love with you when you had no intention to love me back.
I hate you for getting my hopes up.
I hate you for making me dream.
I hate you for all the nights you held me and whispered in my ear.
I hate you for all the plans we made for our future.
I hate you for all the second chances I gave you.
I hate you for breaking my heart.
I hate you for beating me down.
I hate you for making me feel worthless.
I hate you for all the wasted time I'll never get back.
I hate you for all the memories I can never forget.
I hate you for all the hate in my heart.
I hate you.

A Family Affair

I don't think any of us appreciate our families as much as we should. We don't give enough hugs or say enough i love yous. I know that's the case with my family. They have supported and loved me through ALL my screw ups and don't see me any different than the little girl I used to be and I don't think I show my gratitude enough for that. So here's to my family, the one's who loved me when no one else did:

Mom and Dad- Thank you. You held me up when no one else did. Saw a winner when I was a failure. Protect my heart- or try to anyways. Though I'm going to move on with my life in the pretty near future, I am always going to be your little girl. And I'm sure I'm going to need you through many more struggles in my life. I know you feel like you are losing me, or the person you want me to be. But, you are getting me the help I need and that's all i can ask for.

Kristina- Thank you. For encouraging me to stay in school. Thank you for giving me a temporary home when I needed time to clear my head. You are the best oldest sister I could ever ask for :)

Madeline- Thank you. Our personalities are like clones. And your pep talks to me from your personal experiences puts a lot into perspective. One thing that sticks out to me is we were just driving one day -nothing special- you looked at me and said "We spend 80 years on Earth. We spend eternity with God in Heaven. Live your life now, so that you can spend eternity with God." you may not remember those words. But they are always in the back of my mind.

Carissa, Haley, and Rachel- My baby sisters. I must say thank you to all of you for being so absolutely understanding. I owe you all a huge apology. I haven't been the best big sister or the role model I should be for you guys. I know you probably don't fully understand the situation at hand or why I am going through and feeling the way I'm feeling. I don't fully understand it either. But I'm working on it. and I'm trying to get back to the old me. I love you guys as much as you get on my nerves.

Sissys- You are my best friends. I know, because you NEVER leave me. Even when things get to be the way they are right now. I would be so lost without you all.

Reflection

So I decided it was time to just write. No fancy poems. Just write what's on my mind and in my heart.

Over the past 4 months I have faced so many battles that many people I know, will never have to face- and I hope never have to. I wake up everyday wishing that I could go back in time and erase the past 12 weeks so they never existed. But they have. And now i have to face those consequences.

I dated a drug addicted, abusive boyfriend- not physically, but emotionally. It was a constant up and down: multiple break-ups, cheating on me with- not one- but two girls, lying, using me for drug money, and manipulating me into doing them with him. After a final confrontation, he left me for good- sobbing in his driveway. a real winner right?

Now to people who knew me before 4 months ago, you can attest to the kind of person I am. I had my head screwed on straight. I did great in school and although shy at first, I was a very outgoing person. It's all changed. I found it hard to cope with his absence because despite all the bad times, there was also a lot of good times.I turned to dangerous escapes; escapes that only added to my problems.

Depression is something I've struggled with on and off. I've done my best to put a smile on my face and hide it from the world. For the most part it has always been a phase that goes away with a little bit of time. But this time is different. I feel dead inside. I seldom wake up with any motivation to do anything. I'm no longer inspired by the little things in life. I don't stop to appreciate the beauty of the world around me like I used to. With as huge of a battle for me as this is, I am making it through.

Vessel

I'm just lost.
Confused.
Trying to find my way in this world.
Trying to find the right path.
Where's there inner beauty? I struggle now to find.
What's my worth? This disease is stoic and unkind.
This constraining battle continues to lock the real me away; this body: just a vessel.
I must find a way to release the paralyzing grip this darkness has over me- I must break free.

Final Farewell

My heart said goodbye to you today.
I don't feel sorrow or torment about what could have been.
I will never stop praying for you and keeping faith, that the person I use to know will emerge into this world again.
But just as I pray for you,I've been prayed for. And the best thing for me is not you.
The memories make me smile and remember all the good times.
But along with good, is always bad.
And the bad makes me remember: you are the most selfish, unfeeling, deceiving, and manipulative person I have ever let into my life.
In that moment, today, I realized it was time to finally say good bye.

Turnaround

People come and go- friends, lovers. People you thought would be a part of you forever.
People make promises they don't keep. Promises of unending love, prevailing happiness, and endless faithfulness.
I've felt the hate and the hurt that results from these friends' departures and broken promises.
I've felt the fear and anguish of sorrow suppressing my heart. I felt shattered.
However, perhaps it's better to leave something broken then hurting yourself more trying to put it back together.
Your spirit may be dampened, weakened, and broken down.
But don't fall into the pit of darkness, of selfishness, of greed and hate.
Because a hateful heart is a weak heart.
So, be strong.
Tell yourself you're beautiful. Love yourself. Because it is only when you love yourself that you will ever love the world.

Fragile

It fixedly grasps her soul with no apathy.
She searches within herself.
Searches to find existence of the girl she used to know.
There is no stronghold to be found from the upwelling misery.
She is consumed.

An Ending to War

I will force you to hear my deafening, desperate cry over this raging war.
The war of love and hate.
Will there be forgiveness? Peace? Hope?
I may never know.
So, I direly crawl.
But it's worthier to crawl than nothing at all.
Will I make the journey? Grab for your ankles? Will you pull me up?
My arms may grow weak, my knees may grow sore.
I'll say a final prayer.
It's the only thing that will deliver me anymore.
My hands are dirty, so I'll purge my sins.
They keep saying I'm strong.
But, this is the weakest I've been.
It may take some time for love to overcome hate.
But I will force you to hear my desperate cry to end this raging war.
Love will win.

One Way Out

In a world full of many,
she feels so alone.
Her heart an unfinished quilt,
that still must be sewn.

Guilt and fear strike her,
but she hides it from her face.
They can never discover,
she's stumbled from grace.

Despite the paths taken,
she always gets lost.
More mountains to climb,
and oceans to cross.

Angst never rids her,
down deep it is buried.
Her tragic flaws,
upon her shoulders are carried.

Grief fills her heart,
and her head fills with doubt.
Weighing her options,
it's the only way out.

No bottomless glass,
with alcohol poured.
No dangerous drugs,
just porcelain skin scored.

She doesn't feel pain,
she's already battered.
Her dreams for the future,
by his hand- were shattered.

Depression hits harder,
rose colored sheets, soaked.
Heartache's a disease,
that can't be diagnosed.

She must make a clean break,
from this life she is leading.
But to end it for good,
there must be closure- she's pleading.

Plunging head first,
someone must save her.
But there's only one person,
that can be her cure.

Rock Bottom

I anticipate the day, the hour, the minute, that these wounds will turn to scars.
For these thoughts to turn to distant memories.
But, the pain of your absence still clings to me.

My heart is constricted.
My mind is fragile.
My backbone is non-existent.
My actions are lethal.

Because of you I contemplate a needle as a cure to this neverending cycle.
Because of you I am weak.
Because of you I am ruined.

No one can save me now.
I can only save myslef from this downwards spiraling.
Tell me, what's there left to save?
Because rock bottom's soon to be my grave.

Breaking Point

Driven to her breaking point by what was once her better half.
He failed her, abandoned her, broke her down until she was unrecognizable.
She's barren, defeated.
A thin white line divides her from the unstable person she has become and the spirited person she once was.
Miserable, hollow.
His ghostly presence still haunts her thoughts.
No where left to turn.
With no escape,
she is driven to her breaking point.

Always Didn't Mean Forever, Goodbye.

It's been 3 weeks to the day today,
since I last saw your face.
It was hard at first and sometimes still is,
But those times I now erase.

It's been 3 weeks to the day today,
since you, "my best friend", walked away.
I guess I can't lose what I never had,
all I can do is pray.

It's been 3 weeks to the day today,
since I thought I could fix your problems.
No solace words or backwards bends,
will ever fully solve them.

It's been 3 weeks to the day today,
since the needle's final prick.
No more tearing up my arms,
or getting horribly sick.

It's been 3 weeks to the day today,
since you showed me you don't care.
You had my heart but drugs had yours,
that's something love cannot repair.

It's been 3 weeks to the day today,
since I felt my heart was broken.
Thought without you I'd be nothing,
but my fate has finally spoken.

It's been 3 weeks to the day today,
no added pain or stress.
Though you are gone and I'm moving on,
I hope you get all you wish to possess.

It's been 3 weeks to the day today,
I wake bright eyed and cheerful.
I think of you less everyday that goes by,
no longer distraught or tearful.

So here's to the start of a new beginning,
you're surely not a part.
In order to love and be loved in return,
I must first take back my heart.

Phoenix

Inhale.
Perched high above the brokenness and peril of this place we still call Earth.

Fly.
Spread its wings. Soar, skimming lightly over the ocean's waves,
An abyss of peace and calming nature.

Dusk.
The penetrating rays of the sun kissing the horizon.
A youthful beginning preparing to emerge in the final seconds of daylight's reign.

Settle.
Upon the minuscule branch of a nearby oak. A decorative nest occupies the space between the rigid bark and serrated talons.

Destruction.
However, beauty in this destruction.
Resting in what was once called home. A future grave.
It spreads its vibrantly covered wings and begins to burn.

Burn.
Transforming to ash. The remnants of a once whole life, a beating heart.
The fire dims. The ash smolders.

Rise.
From the ash, from the death.
New hope, new faith, new life.
Much more graceful and tenacious than formerly able. Its heart and body more enduring to the inevitable hurt and hate our world possesses.

Inhale.
Like the Phoenix, she too will rise again.
From the ash of death and destruction she will find beauty. A new life; a new start.

She is stronger, more ambitious than before.
All she must do is spread her wings and learn to soar.