TSE

Some days are good days. But, then there's days like today.
When every slight situation reminds me of you.
I stare blankly out the bare window pane.
As it begins to lightening, thunder, and slowly rain.

Rain.
It was one of your favorite things.
Remember the nights we sat and listened to the rain trickle on the window of your basement?
As raindrops transformed to downpours hammering the pavement.

Maybe you remember "our perfect kiss?"
You pushing me against the car, resting your hands on my hips as the rain streamed like rivers down our faces.
You swayed my drenched hair to the side and tucked it behind my ear.
It was in that moment I gave up every fear.

I guess i wish so many things didn't remind me of you.
Every time I try to move on, there's always something sucking me back in and making me relive those days.
Making me remember why it was, I was so amazed.

I hear a song; it prompts countless more memories.
That beat up old guitar you always played for me. As you strummed and sang along, our eyes would always meet.
A natural connection, not forced, but pure and sweet.

Remember the night you took me to that park- to the mountains highest peak? It felt like I was on top of the world.
Nothing could hurt me, i knew, because you were by my side.
Two lost souls, now collide.

We settled on the mountain's rock, separated from the brutality of the world.
You start to play; when you sing the lyrics, shivers migrate up my spine and an involuntary smile occupies my face. A photograph, a still frame in my mind.
It was in that moment those two lost souls became forever intertwined.

Maybe you remember "our perfect song?"
Bright Eyes- 'First Day of My Life." Comfortably sitting on my family's couch you attempted to sing it through your blushing cheeks and giggling.
You said I was the only person who ever made you nervous when you were singing- a good nervous.
When the song concluded you leaned in and pressed your lips against mine.
It was in that moment I realized I was falling completely and madly, head over heels, in love with you.
Now you're gone; I'm not sure quite what to do.

It's times like these that make letting go hard. But I know it's time I must say goodbye.
I looked out the that bare window pane one final time today.
In that moment the rain had ceased and so, my tears shall also cease.
I'll continue to cherish all the great memories. But that's all they can be now.
I loved you. A part of me always will. That, I will never regret.
And I promise you, even with time, I'll never forget.

Dear Former Love

Dear Former Love,

I know we're over,
I'm not asking for you back.
We had great times,
but now I can see what you lack.

For every give,
there was a take.
And what I gave,
was the biggest mistake.

I gave you all of me,
my heart and soul.
I gave trust and understanding,
even my self-control.

You became selfish,
gave nothing in return.
But still I loved,
and never learned.

They say to move on,
you have to let go.
And until I do,
I'll never know.

So this must be goodbye.
I'm done wasting my days.

Signed,
Your Former Love,
forever and always

3:45

A dark hallway.
It is long and narrow.
I'm still affected by cupid's arrow.

I keep advancing.
There is never and end.
No upwards hill or sideways bend.

Stop and Stare.
There, appears my bed.
I don't run ; I stay instead.

Underneath lay our memories.
Little love notes and your silly drawings.
Nothing more now, than old belongings.

I presume it is here,
Where I stop to pull out the arrow,
Along the path so long and narrow.

Suddenly,
I hear your voice.
Don't want to listen but have no choice.

You say,
"Hello, I miss you dear.
I came back no need to fear."

There's something wrong.
This can't be real.
When did your heart learn to feel?

I scream back,
"You always did know how to lie.
When you left, love also died."

I violently woke.
Red numbers on the clock read 3:45.
"It was only a dream, love's still alive."

The Boy I Loved But Couldn't Save

I sit at night and cry for you,
my once whole heart has gone askew.
I want to let go and finally move on,
but I cry for you more knowing you're really gone.

I wanted to save you,
I tried my best.
But everyday was another test.
Of my devotion, my faith, my trust, and my love,
nothing I gave you was ever enough.

I gave everything up,
but held you close.
Kept a shameful secret that no one knows.
Through the hurt and lies,
I still loved you.
But I begged you,
you would have to choose.

The poison won,
and I felt dead.
As you stumbled backwards onto your bed.
I hung my head,
tears start to pour.
You said, "Try it once;I'll love you more."

Afraid to lose you, I bit my lip,
as you struggled with the needle's tip.
I thought your love was worth the pain,
so you wrapped my arm to find a vein.

All our problems were suddenly distant,
erased away within an instant.
If this is the way things must be,
I'll grin and bear it so you'll never leave.

Your eyes and smooth talking always convinced me,
but at the end of the day I'd always feel guilty.
I made you a promise,
I didn't keep.
My heavy heart now sits and weeps.

One day our secret,
it finally crumbled.
With bent knees I sobbed and mumbled,
"I'm so sorry I've cause all this bitterness,
I guess this too was just a test."

No goodbye kiss or warm embrace,
no one last chance to see your face.
You sauntered off with such sorrow,
I pray this is a dream,
I'll wake tomorrow.

Every Bob Dylan song and guitar pick,
all the late night movies and funny tricks:
irreplaceable thoughts I'll cherish to my grave,
of the boy I loved but couldn't save.

Every line of this poem I've been thinking of you,
your sea green eyes and cheap tattoos.
Your tender touch and passionate tone,
reminiscing chills my bones.

But tonight will be the last tear I shed.
The only thoughts of you- dreams in my head.
I don't regret,
that may be wrong.
But heartache's affliction will soon be gone.

Nostalgia's Wish

I stumble sluggishly outside into the darkness of the night.
Nearly as dark as he has transformed my heart.
Bitter.
Bone chilling to the touch.
Guarded from the troubled world surrounding me.

I take a seat, occupying the entire splintered step.
The step we once used to share collectively.
Desolate.
My mind wanders- what we were, what we could have been.
We could have saved the world with one outstretched hand.
Nostalgia will be the death of me.

It's overcast: no moon, no planes, no stars to wish on.
I wouldn't even make a wish, they never come true.
Despondent.
I wished for you. You abandoned me.
Wishes are for the weak.

But, then it hits me like a train on a track.
Maybe, in order to love, you have to be weak.
You have to show your heart's incomplete for the void to ever be completed.

An eyelash drifts onto my rosy cheek.
Maybe just one more wouldn't hurt.
Just like Nana taught me:
Clench my hands.
Close my eyes.
Wish away.

I open my hands and blow it away with the slightest breath of my being.
Smile.
Smile because I had the courage to be weak and wish again.
I can't confess to you, or it won't come true.
But i can reveal this much:
My wish- it wasn't for you.