Friday, August 27, 2010

Late Night Wish

As dusk fell upon her,

she traveled alone.

There was no looking back,

or returning home.

 

Battered and beaten,

her truths were held secret.

And with her trust running thin,

she knew she must keep it.

 

When along the dark path,

She found a fallen bright star.

She gazed in amazement,

but stared from afar.

 

She thought up the things,

her heart most desired.

Then tip-toed gently,

to touch the ball made of fire.

 

Her mind traveled away,

to an unfamiliar place.

Where love was renewed,

with small acts of grace.

A place where hatred never occurred.

and screams from the streets,

would never be heard.

 

Where the color of skin,

was never a problem.

And when troubles drew near,

We’d come together to solve them.

 

A place with no wars,

over power for lands.

Where soldiers and Arabs,

could stand hand in hand.

 

Wallets of money,

would be just an object to own.

And every child could sleep,

on a bed in a home.

 

These are the wishes,

She hoped she could see.

When the ball made of fire,

would leave and be freed.

 

She loosened her grip,

from the luminous light.

And carried her dreams,

As she traveled the night.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Tonight I pray

Tonight I pray for him and me,
and all I wish for us to be.
That we can walk side by side,
on golden paths of glowing pride.

Tonight I pray for his loving arms,
that hold and shield me from all harm.
He lifts me up when I am weak,
and as tears fall down he wipes my cheek.

Tonight I pray this bond is broken,
and into my ear his words are spoken.
Without his love I won't survive,
so I sit, and ponder, and eagerly strive.

Tonight I pray to see his face,
for my soul to feel his burning grace.
To see his eyes as they truly are,
and gaze with him at skies of stars.

This man I seek is like no other.
He was born unto a virgin mother.
See it is not, now, my past I crave,
but God's righteous hands to come and save.

Hate is a strong word but...

I hate you.
I hate you for everything you did to me.
I hate you for the person you made me become.
I hate you for all the lying.
I hate you for all the cheating.
I hate you for all the meaningless 'I love you's'.
I hate you for all the 'I love you's' you said to someone else.
I hate you for tearing me apart from my family.
I hate you for getting me involved with drugs.
I hate you for making me see the scars on my wrists and remember the pain.
I hate you for making me doubt myself.
I hate you for all the bad times that tore my heart apart.
I hate you for all the great times that made me miss you more.
I hate you for making me fall in love with you when you had no intention to love me back.
I hate you for getting my hopes up.
I hate you for making me dream.
I hate you for all the nights you held me and whispered in my ear.
I hate you for all the plans we made for our future.
I hate you for all the second chances I gave you.
I hate you for breaking my heart.
I hate you for beating me down.
I hate you for making me feel worthless.
I hate you for all the wasted time I'll never get back.
I hate you for all the memories I can never forget.
I hate you for all the hate in my heart.
I hate you.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

A Family Affair

I don't think any of us appreciate our families as much as we should. We don't give enough hugs or say enough i love yous. I know that's the case with my family. They have supported and loved me through ALL my screw ups and don't see me any different than the little girl I used to be and I don't think I show my gratitude enough for that. So here's to my family, the one's who loved me when no one else did:

Mom and Dad- Thank you. You held me up when no one else did. Saw a winner when I was a failure. Protect my heart- or try to anyways. Though I'm going to move on with my life in the pretty near future, I am always going to be your little girl. And I'm sure I'm going to need you through many more struggles in my life. I know you feel like you are losing me, or the person you want me to be. But, you are getting me the help I need and that's all i can ask for.

Kristina- Thank you. For encouraging me to stay in school. Thank you for giving me a temporary home when I needed time to clear my head. You are the best oldest sister I could ever ask for :)

Madeline- Thank you. Our personalities are like clones. And your pep talks to me from your personal experiences puts a lot into perspective. One thing that sticks out to me is we were just driving one day -nothing special- you looked at me and said "We spend 80 years on Earth. We spend eternity with God in Heaven. Live your life now, so that you can spend eternity with God." you may not remember those words. But they are always in the back of my mind.

Carissa, Haley, and Rachel- My baby sisters. I must say thank you to all of you for being so absolutely understanding. I owe you all a huge apology. I haven't been the best big sister or the role model I should be for you guys. I know you probably don't fully understand the situation at hand or why I am going through and feeling the way I'm feeling. I don't fully understand it either. But I'm working on it. and I'm trying to get back to the old me. I love you guys as much as you get on my nerves.

Sissys- You are my best friends. I know, because you NEVER leave me. Even when things get to be the way they are right now. I would be so lost without you all.

Reflection

So I decided it was time to just write. No fancy poems. Just write what's on my mind and in my heart.

Over the past 4 months I have faced so many battles that many people I know, will never have to face- and I hope never have to. I wake up everyday wishing that I could go back in time and erase the past 12 weeks so they never existed. But they have. And now i have to face those consequences.

I dated a drug addicted, abusive boyfriend- not physically, but emotionally. It was a constant up and down: multiple break-ups, cheating on me with- not one- but two girls, lying, using me for drug money, and manipulating me into doing them with him. After a final confrontation, he left me for good- sobbing in his driveway. a real winner right?

Now to people who knew me before 4 months ago, you can attest to the kind of person I am. I had my head screwed on straight. I did great in school and although shy at first, I was a very outgoing person. It's all changed. I found it hard to cope with his absence because despite all the bad times, there was also a lot of good times.I turned to dangerous escapes; escapes that only added to my problems.

Depression is something I've struggled with on and off. I've done my best to put a smile on my face and hide it from the world. For the most part it has always been a phase that goes away with a little bit of time. But this time is different. I feel dead inside. I seldom wake up with any motivation to do anything. I'm no longer inspired by the little things in life. I don't stop to appreciate the beauty of the world around me like I used to. With as huge of a battle for me as this is, I am making it through.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Vessel

I'm just lost.
Confused.
Trying to find my way in this world.
Trying to find the right path.
Where's there inner beauty? I struggle now to find.
What's my worth? This disease is stoic and unkind.
This constraining battle continues to lock the real me away; this body: just a vessel.
I must find a way to release the paralyzing grip this darkness has over me- I must break free.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Final Farewell

My heart said goodbye to you today.
I don't feel sorrow or torment about what could have been.
I will never stop praying for you and keeping faith, that the person I use to know will emerge into this world again.
But just as I pray for you,I've been prayed for. And the best thing for me is not you.
The memories make me smile and remember all the good times.
But along with good, is always bad.
And the bad makes me remember: you are the most selfish, unfeeling, deceiving, and manipulative person I have ever let into my life.
In that moment, today, I realized it was time to finally say good bye.